Worst Films of 2019

When you see as many films as I do, you’re bound to see a few stinkers to go with the hits. While they might not be much fun to watch at the time, they almost always make for the best reviews, so it’s only right that I write a counterpoint to my best films with the worst ones of the year.

Like last year, this won’t be a list format like my best films, just a loose collection of films that bored me or enraged me, or both in fact, but I will be saving the worst for last, you have been warned.

Pet Semetary

A few years after the success of IT, we were bound to see a boom in Stephen King adaptations (not that adaptations of his books have ever stopped being made, far from it) but if this is the best we can have, then I’d rather they kept them to be honest.

Completely lacking the character that made the IT films the phenomenons they were, Pet Semetary limped into the cinemas with very little fanfare, and left with even less. A dreary, predictable bore-fest not helped by disinterested performances and unimaginative direction, this is certainly a King adaptation to avoid.

Hellboy

This was probably the film that made me most annoyed this year. I wasn’t expecting anything at all really, but even those low standards were disappointed.

I said a lot of mean things about this film at time of release, all of which I stand by; it’s stupid, it’s ugly, and I hated every second, and every character within it.

It’s a good job I didn’t care for this franchise in the first place, had I been a fan I might have felt even more angry, now I feel that it only exists for me to ridicule. It had no reason to exist and I really, really wish it had stayed in Hell, where it belongs.

Dark Phoenix

No franchise was so well euthanized this year as the X-Men series. After many years of ups and downs, through Days of Future Past and Origins: Wolverine, it was always a reliably marketable series, regardless of quality. 2019 was the year when that came crashing down.

Not only did it lose a hell of a lot of money, it also thouroghly killed everything people liked about the franchise, delivering an adaptation of the Dark Phoenix saga that was somehow even worse than The Last Stand.

You can tell how utterly unappealing this film is just by watching the actors involved sleepwalk their way through their scenes; great actors such as Fassbender and McAvoy reduced to dead-eyed shadows of their former selves. There was literally nothing about this film that was worthwhile.

Rambo: Last Blood

Did anyone actually still care about the Rambo franchise? Well, if they did then, they don’t now.

In what was an opportunity to bring the character into the modern era in a similar way to what the Creed films had done for Rocky, the film instead just descended into nasty stereotypes and ridiculous, mindless violence replacing any stakes.

I think ‘nasty’ might be the best word to describe Last Blood, its portrayal of women and Hispanics would have been outdated around the time of the originals release, let alone in 2019. It occupies a world in which women are sex objects, and Hispanics simply criminal gangs, in other worlds, a time we moved on from a long while ago.

It then throws all pretences out of the window and reveals itself for what it truly is: a Sylvester Stallone ego trip, where a septuagenarian can easily take on and kill an army of people half his age, it’s a rare film that gets worse the more you think about it, and frankly, it doesn’t deserve being thought of at all.

The Goldfinch

The absolute worst thing a film can be is boring. A truly bad film ca be enjoyed when watched with friends and alcohol, whereas a boring film can well and truly sap your will to live.

In the boring stakes, The Goldfinch might just be the best sleeping aid in the world. It’s a two-and-a-half hour film that crawls along at a snails pace, drawing out the most obvious revelations to the point of pointlessness, if your film revolves around a mystery and you make your audience not care about that central mystery in the slightest, you know you’ve gone wrong.

Good Boys

Here it is, the absolute worse film I’ve seen this year, and in somewhat of a yearly pattern, it’s a ‘comedy’ film; although labelling it as such feels like an insult to comedy, comedians, and the human race in general.

It’s the usual Seth Rogan technique of comedy, put his usual brand of gross-out humour in a situation where it wouldn’t be usually, this time matching it with children, and it’s about as putrid as you can imagine, in fact it’s worse.

All of the characters are stupid, the story is non-existent, and it is so painfully unfunny. The more I write about this, the more wound-up I feel, I feel sorry for the kids getting embroiled in this, but mostly I feel for the audiences it bamboozled into seeing it, all of whom I’m willing to say are due some kind of compensation.

Bad comedy is so many measures worse than any other bad film; a joke that falls flat it like finger nails across a chalkboard, Good Boys is like hearing that sound while being kicked in the testicles, which the film would no doubt find hilarious.

It goes to show how much I hated this film when I say that I’d rather watch any of the others on repeat for twenty-four hours than ever be subjected to this dross again. It’s an absolute crime against cinema.

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