Once there lived a beautiful princess by the name of Snow White, she lived in a castle paid for by taxpayer’s money in the magical land of England. She lived a sheltered life watched over by her loving parents, the King and Queen, life was not to remain happy however, as her mother was killed in a car crash in a Paris tunnel not long before her tenth birthday, her father stricken with grief, tried to find a new wife to replace the chasm in his heart left by his beloved’s passing.
He remarried a baroness by the name of Camilla, a horsey looking woman who controlled her husband and his house relentlessly, the King, still grief-stricken was too distraught to stand in her way, and so Camilla’s reign of terror began.
Camilla was obsessed with being the most beautiful woman in the kingdom, which was odd as she looked like a half-melted wax figure, her jealousy was strong too, especially towards her new step-daughter, Snow White, whose beauty was beyond compare, with flaming locks of auburn hair, Ivory skin and eyes of emerald green, Dolly Parton had once written a song about her but changed the subject’s name to Jolene to avoid Snow’s embarrassment.
One day, already in a foul mood, Camilla asked her footman, Mirror, a 6ft 7” giant of a man: “Mirror, Mirror, you’re so tall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
“Are you blind as well as ugly?” Mirror replied, further enraging the not-quite queen. However, Mirror didn’t know when to be quiet.
“Snow White’s the only one round here who doesn’t look like a badly-drawn propaganda cartoon.”
The Queen was so enraged by this that she had Mirror hanged for his impertinence. She also resolved to do something about her step-daughter.
“I shall have her chased out of town by a mad axe-man, that’ll solve the problem.”
She laughed an evil laugh, before realising that she was on her own and her cackling made her look rather foolish.
The next day, Snow White was out shopping in Camden market, buying trinkets for her father, who’s birthday was coming up, she wanted to get him the nicest present she could to try and drag him out of the rut he found himself in. As she was looking at some ornate crystals she suddenly noticed that the stall was in shadow, an odd thing on such a brilliantly sunny day, she turned around to come face to face with a wild-eyed lumberjack, axe raised high waiting to strike.
In a flash, she dropped her shopping and darted across the market as the axeman’s axe came down on the stall, sending glinting crystal treasure’s flying through the air, the commotion had startled the crowd who all started running for the exit too, blocking Snow White’s way. With the Axe man in hot pursuit, Snow quickly changed direction and headed for the side exit, where luckily enough, a black cab was parked, Snow dived in the back seat.
“Where to, darling?” Asked the cabbie
“Anywhere but here.” Gasped Snow White, the cab pulled away just as the axeman caught up and Snow White looked out the back window to see a perturbed lumberjack shaking his axe at the retreating car. She sat back and breathed a sigh of relief.
After a few hours of listening to the cabbie’s opinions on immigrants, and what he thought was wrong with music today (“there’s no melodies anymore, know what I mean?”) they arrived at a dark forest.
“Where are we?” Quizzed Snow confused.
“Anywhere But Here Forest of course, that’s where you asked to go. £250 please”
Not wanting to spend anymore time than she had to in the cabbie’s company she paid him in gold coins and exited the car. She hoped there might have been someone she could talk to living in the forest perhaps, and followed the path through the trees.
She felt like she’d been walking for hours when she came across a small cottage, hoping they had a telephone and wanting to rest her aching feet Snow knocked on the door. No answer. She knocked again.
“All right, all right, keep your hair on!” Shouted a voice inside the cottage. A few seconds later the door swung open to reveal… no one.
“Down here.” Said a still annoyed voice, Snow looked down to see a small man, barely three feet tall wearing a flat cap and smoking a pipe.
“Can I help you?” He asked, still sounding rather annoyed.
“I’m afraid I’ve been chased away from home by a mad axe-man, could I use your phone?”
The small man burst out laughing: “Yeah right love, mad-axeman indeed, pull the other one.”
“No really! I think my step-mother sent him after me, she’s ever so cruel.”
“What do you take me for? Some simpleton? This isn’t some sort of fairy-tale you know”
Just as the annoyed man was about to shut the door, a second small man, even smaller than the first appeared.
“Stop being so grumpy! Let the poor girl in, we’ve just made a pot of tea anyway.” The kinder man spoke, begrudgingly, Grumpy stepped aside and allowed her in, ducking her head she made her way inside to find five more tiny people, all different sizes but none of them taller than 3 foot.
“Oh, you’re all dwarves!” Snow White exclaimed. There was a shocked gasp from the room.
“We find that offensive! We’re not dwarves, we’re People of Restricted Height.” Grumpy thundered.
“But isn’t that rather wordy? Surely dwarf is just easier to say.”
The shocked People of Restricted Height as one ejected Snow White for being so offensive, as a result she got lost in the forest and starved to death. In her dying moments she wished she’d been more tolerant, a message for us all to follow.